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Attentive Resistance

ENGL210 Introduction to Creative Writing

Edit of First Fiction Assignment (due Tuesday 03/19 by 8pm)

Based on our conversation in class Monday, edit your first short fiction assignment considering 1-2 of the fiction components or readers expectations we listed (plot, characters, point of view, tension, shape, climax, etc.). Post by Tuesday at 8pm, so we can all read each others’ work before class.

For example:

1). Describe the 1-2 elements you considered for your rewrite. Write 2-3 sentences about how it changed your approach.

2). Your edited short fiction.

 

8 thoughts on “Edit of First Fiction Assignment (due Tuesday 03/19 by 8pm)

  1. Samantha Aversano

    I choose to focus on symbolism a little more, such as the flowers the little girl was taking to her grandmother grave, they’re pink carnations which are supposed to symbolize missing someone. I also decided to focus more on setting and describing the scene more. I believe these made the story more interesting and gave a clearer picture to the readers. I believe I was trying too hard to write something like Hemingway’s short fiction, I don’t have the same ideas as him.

    Pink Carnations

    A little girl skipped down the road making sure to avoid the cracks in the sidewalk just like her mother said the last time they were on a walk. She enjoyed piggyback rides from her mother too much, she would be devastated if her back broke and she was no longer able to get them. She had a bouquet of pink carnations in one hand and her mother’s hand in the other. The flowers, now a little beaten due to the girl dragging them and swinging them as she skipped were for her grandmother. They were going to visit her. The girl noticed they were taking a different path to visit grandma this time. She didn’t wonder long because she began to imagine all the food her grandmother would have ready for her when they got to her house. She could almost smell the homemade pasta and see the dried up sauce on her grandmothers thick glasses. The pair finally approached a monumental black gate, it swayed lightly and creaked. They walked past rows upon rows of rocks with names carved into them. The little girl’s mother finally stopped in front of one of them. The girl noticed that unlike all the other rocks, that had nice green grass growing around it, this one had dirt laid out in front of it. It took the girl a moment to realize that this seemed a lot like what they had done for her goldfish ‘Fishy’ when he was no longer able to swim. The little girl realized she wouldn’t be getting cookies at this visit as she placed the flowers down on the rock.

  2. I chose to focus on the symbolism of being a human who wants to know if the course, or path of life they are on, is the right one and manifesting the outcome of what you want. I believe that as humans, we can manifest what we want. You just have to work on it, let go and give it to God or the Universe. It changed my approach because it shows you can get what you want, as long as your mind, body, and spirit are as one.

    You are out at night watching the stars at night shoot across the sky, like dancing glitter. The plushy grass that you lay on smells like warm summer rain. You wonder what life has for you in the cards of fate, that has yet to be dealt. Praying that the Almighty one eventually answers your prayers. The ride home whisks you back home, like a thief that disappeared in the night. The trophies of ballerinas and piano trophies sit on the vanity. You wonder if the life you manifest will play out ten fold. Will things turn out the way you want, or better? Will you be able to keep your head above water. Certificates, teddy bears from childhood innocence, and awards align the hot pink bedroom. You wonder was this all worth it? What was, was then, and what will, have yet to come. Manifest the life you want, to have what you want.

  3. 2 of the elements I considered when editing this fiction, were plot and character-build. I focused on adding more to the short story than before, in order to give more information for the reader to interpret the plot from, but still leave the plot open to interpretation. Also, wanted to leave the background behind Kattrin’s thoughts open to interpretation. This changed my approach a great deal, because I gave much more detail, but a lot is still left unsaid, which is a difficult approach, but one that I feel is entertaining for readers.

    Hopeless Romantic
    Kattrin swept her hair into a ponytail, and pulled the macarons from the oven. Success, she thought. Light, and perfect, and fluffy. Just how she loved them. She bit gently into one and let the sweet, buttercream filling melt on her tongue. Sighing, she looked out the window. Maybe one day soon, he would come back again for one, but for now she knew, there was no chance of that. Something about him said he didn’t revisit bakeries for fun. And definitely not for just one more look at the girl that never lifted her eyes from the cupcake she was icing. But there was always tomorrow.

  4. 1) The two things I am taking into consideration as I rewrite my short story would be adding more dialogue between characters and elaborating on the story just a little bit. This will change my short story by adding more content and more words so having it stay at 100 words or less is going to be challenging. Taking into consideration that I will add more dialogue changed my approach a little bit. Of course I plan on making this story longer and more in depth as it grows, the begging is always challenging. But adding content in the beginning may make it more engaging for the reader.

    2) One morning Henry was woken up by a loud *BOOM* that came from outside. He got dressed and alerted his parents of what he had heard. “Mom, Dad wake up I heard a loud noise, I think it came from outside” but they both rolled over and assumed he had a nightmare. “Fine don’t believe me, I will go find out myself what made that noise”. So Henry ( angry that his parents didn’t believe him) decided to go outside into the backyard and find out what caused the loud noise. As he went into the backyard he saw something glowing. It seemed to be a large shinny golden egg. *Henry made a gasp* “Gee what could this be? An Alien, or maybe the Goose that lays golden eggs is real?”. The egg then cracked open and……….TBC

  5. 1) I really wanted to add a bit of humor to the story. Adding the part with the coffee really summed up my work day in a nutshell. I wanted to also add a bit more minor conflict, more inconveniences to be honest. I wanted to make the story as relatable as possible, but also enjoyable. I would really like to actually write more about this cause I had a lot of fun with this.

    2)This is story of Pedro the penguin. He’s an accountant. Every morning Pedro get’s up with a cup of juice and brushes his beak. At around 9 he hops into is car with his top hat and briefcase and drives his Toyota Corolla to Peter Panda’s Pristine Pompous Accounting Service. Yeah.. we hate the name too. Pedro finds a spot, parks his car and hobbles inside. Walking up the stairs to the 5th floor, he passes the Sales Department. Glancing inside, he noticed the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. The one thing that would make his day better. She was beautiful. Her glowing eyes, colorful personality and wonderful warm embrace. Yes it is what Pedro always wanted. A cup of coffee from the new StarBUCKS machine the Sales department put in. The picture of the mermaid deer smiling back at him had shown that Pedro had found his oasis. This would make his morning. Putting his crumpled five dollar bill in the machine and having it actually go through was bliss for the young bird. As the cup came out with the hot steaming liquid, Pedro shed a tear, for finally he would get the drink he craved. Pedro takes a sip…and burns his tongue. It really wasn’t to bad though, a minor inconvenience.
    He soon walks up to his cubicle and proceeds to type on his laptop,but something was wrong today. Something about Pedro was…..different today. He didn’t feel like doing work. He didn’t feel like being Peter’s WINGman today. So instead, he went to the printer and stuck his whole face on the scanner, and proceeded to print. Then he got up and walked out with a smile on his face. Walking out a familiar text tone blings on his phone. It’s Peter, telling him to come back. Pedro smiles, looks up at the building’s stupid name and proceeds to walk home.

  6. 1) I feel like in the first part I wasn’t able to go with the “not everything is as it seems theme” with the peaceful war machines that ate organic plastic waste (plastics are in fact organic by chemical definitions!) instead of generically organic flesh. I never really dug into the implied hysteria from people who didn’t know they were peaceful. The speaker was sent to deactivate them by the government, not knowing they weren’t dangerous, and even environmentally purifying. The government also fueled propaganda to distract people from the fact it was their idea to make self controlling and sustaining war machines that were powered by organic material (which many assumed was meat), but easily made the scientists villains for unleashing them on the “wrong” people. Part of me wants to explore this from the unaware civilian perspective, but I also love personifying the machines, as they can live independently from humans and have even formed social groups and integrated themselves into polluted ecosystems, and exploring human interaction with the machines, which a normal person wouldnt have. I could also go from the scientists viewpoint, the speaker before the encounter, what they ultimately decide to do, etc.

    I remember the day we got a request so heinous we wished it was a joke.
    A request that would require some of the most ingenious innovations in robotics, chemistry and engineering. They wanted a machine that could live. That could think. So if us humans lost contact with it, it could make its own decisions, fuel itself, and most importantly, kill. So we thought. Machine chassis are made of metals that reflect and take light and color, fueled by sickly, off colored oil that was once living. Cellular life’s chassis are made of unprocessed oil that absorbs and disperses light, fueled by colorful metals, such as the red iron in our veins. We came about from sheer luck after billions of years of evolution, selection, trial and error, always competing to live. Machines have been around for barely a century, and without our puppeteering, exist in peace. So we modeled our machine’s nature what is natural for metal life, we followed all the prompts, but took our liberties to make them so they fix one of our mistakes, not to unwilling enforce many. And then we set them free.

  7. 1) The two elements I considered for my rewrite was adding a setting to my story and changing the point of view. By adding a sense of setting i believe I gave my reader an opportunity to picture my character in their mind. Without the setting it wasn’t as easy to relate to what the character was going through. In addition to that when I changed the point of view of my story I unintentionally changed the mood of my fiction as well. It gave my writing a sadder feeling and also added an element that will pull readers in.

    2) My Doll
    I don’t think daddy gets just how important my toy is to me. He constantly repeats “big girls don’t play with toys”, but all I hear is “blah blah blah play with toys.” The other day I heard him talking on the phone with some guy about a, “great repression” or “great depression”, I don’t know, but all I know is he uses it as an excuse not to get new clothes for my doll. I tried to make my doll look as close to my Mom as possible, daddy says “she went on vacation” but i know she didn’t pack any of her clothes. Who goes on vacation without clothes? My doll has long brown hair and blue eyes, she wears pieces of cut rags from my Mom’s clothes to save money. Unlike me, my doll has a Mom and a Dad, even though he is at work all the time. We are similar in the fact that we are both poor and wish to escape this life. Sometimes, we sit and have tea parties and pretend we are the Rich of the Rich, living in great big houses, maybe even a castle, shoot maybe I want a pony or a fire breathing dragon. Princess Eliza, has a nice ring to it. To me my doll is not just a doll, it an escape from being me.

  8. Juliette’s Response:

    Changes: The biggest change made was the actual length of the story. I had gone over the word count by 200 words. I pulled out the extra bits that extended the word count but didn’t add to the story. I also changed the ending to make it a little more whimsical as I wanted to put some more fiction elements into the story as well.

    Silence. I had just entered the woods from the parking lot, yet it was already quiet. The hustle and bustle of the city? Gone. Just me, my thoughts, and the woods that surrounded me. I breathed in. The air was so clean here. Was the city really this close? I spent my time wandering, and came upon a clearing. Looking up I saw the deep night sky with the starts poking through. I stopped, and enjoyed my moment. And when I opened my eyes I was back in my car, recharged and ready to face another day in the city.

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